DEAR ABBY: Last year, a lifelong friend of mine, “Lisa,” succumbed to long-term cancer. I’m close to her only child, “Becky.” About six months after Lisa’s death, Becky’s father, “Jack,” informed her that he had a steady girlfriend. Becky became upset, accusing him of being unfaithful as her mother lay dying.
Becky’s father clapped back, saying he had every right to be happy now that he was single, as Lisa had cheated on him years ago, breaking his heart. Becky then cut all ties with her father, including access to her three children, for saying such things about her mother. She felt he was soiling her mother’s reputation to justify his new relationship.
Abby, Jack was telling the truth. Lisa did cheat on him in the past; she told me and my sister directly when it happened, so it’s not just hearsay. Normally, I would stay out of any situation like this. I don’t want things to get messy, and I certainly don’t want to tarnish my friend in her daughter’s eyes. However, I also don’t want Becky or Jack to miss out on life with each other when he was being truthful about her mother’s past. Please help! — TERRIBLE SECRET
DEAR SECRET: Check in with Becky and make sure she’s OK. The past year has probably been tough for her. When the timing is right, ask her this: If her mom really did cheat on her dad, would she want to know the truth, and would she treat her dad any differently? If so, tell her what you know. If she says it wouldn’t make any difference, let it go for now. You can bring it up again when her wounds are less raw.
DEAR ABBY: We are planning a multifamily vacation. Historically, we have included our friend “Rhonda” and her two boys. Rhonda has a big heart, but she brings a lot of stress to situations and is often high-maintenance. On previous family vacations, she has been difficult and would drink too much to “take the edge off.” I feel bad about excluding her on this trip because of her children, but I don’t want to spend an entire week with her.
Rhonda is very direct, and because she has been invited in the past, I foresee she will confront me when she hears we are going and she wasn’t included. Should I proactively tell her she isn’t invited or wait until she asks me about it? When this happens, do you suggest I be honest and tell her the truth? We live in the same community, and our children are friends, so she is hard to avoid. — DREADING IT IN THE EAST
DEAR DREADING IT: I suggest you be proactive and tell Rhonda that this year the vacation will be “family only.” That way, she will be able to make alternative plans for herself and her boys. I don’t think you need to tell her that her personality is abrasive or that you can stand to be around her only in limited doses. Emphasize that you need some time to focus on family bonding.
